


Downward Facing Dog

by silver_etoile



Category: SKAM (Netherlands), WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, M/M, Pining, Yoga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-17
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22773835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silver_etoile/pseuds/silver_etoile
Summary: Jens thinks he got pretty lucky in the flatmate department--two cool guys from the Netherlands--but that was before he walked in on Lucas practicing yoga in the living room. There has to be a way for Jens to stop thinking about it and not ruin his friendship with Lucas, but he has no idea what that is or if he even wants to.
Relationships: Jens Stoffels/Lucas van der Heijden
Comments: 8
Kudos: 148





	Downward Facing Dog

Jens thought he’d gotten pretty lucky when he finally found a flat for rent near university that didn’t come with weird flatmates who asked if he minded ritual chanting, or a place with rent so absurdly expensive Jens serioulsy considered living at home for all of university.

He didn’t want to live at home, though. He wanted to try to be on his own, even if he still lived in Antwerp, the same town he’d lived in his whole life. 

He could have lived with Sander and Robbe. They had definitely offered, but despite how much Jens liked them, he didn’t think he could handle being subjected to their lovey-dovey routine for the next couple years. He was perfectly content being single, and he definitely didn’t need a reminder every day.

For a half a second, he’d considered moving in with Milan, but he wasn’t sure he could stand Zoe mothering him.

Besides, the flat he’d found came with the added bonus of two guys who were more than willing to spend the weekends playing video games, getting high, and discussing the merits of action movies and why they should be considered date movies. 

Kes and Lucas were probably some of the chillest guys Jens had met so far at uni, so much like his own friends that the flat just felt like home. He’d never bothered to ask why Kes and Lucas would come over here for school when there was a perfectly good university in Utrecht. All Jens cared was that he was lucky enough to find a couple guys from the Netherlands willing to share their flat with him.

It had been a month and a half since Jens had moved in, dumped his meager belongings in the tiny third bedroom and declared himself home. Between classes and life, they hadn’t really gotten around to decorating, Jens thought as he passed through the living room, barely taking note of Lucas rolling out some kind of mat on the floor. All he cared about in the moment was finding something to stop the hangover threatening the edge of his brain.

Rubbing his eyes, Jens dragged himself into the kitchen, pulling open the fridge and staring unseeingly at the carton of milk in the door. He really shouldn’t have had that last drink the night before, but Jana had insisted and who was Jens to deny her? After all, they were still friends. 

Closing the fridge, Jens turned to the coffee maker instead, the pot half-full. Lucas must have made some already. Lucas was an annoyingly early riser, but Jens really appreciated it when he just needed something to take the edge off and there was a pot full of coffee waiting for him. Grabbing his favorite mug from the cluttered cupboard, he filled it with coffee, taking a reassuring sip. He barely remembered dragging himself home last night, but he had. He’d also woken up with a headache and a mouth full of cotton balls. 

The coffee seemed to be helping and Jens pulled out his phone as he leaned against the counter. He was pretty sure Kes wasn’t up yet and he had the whole Sunday to get rid of this hangover. He was pretty sure he was going to need it. 

Pulling up Instagram, he was relieved to find no drunken posts on his feed, but his stories told a different tale.

Jens cringed as he clicked through the pictures, photos of him and Jana, a video of Sander and Robbe making out on the couch, Jens’ drunken voice teasing them loudly about the PDA. He really needed to stop drinking so much. Or at least stop posting about it online. 

His coffee was still hot as he took another sip, pulling up his texts and headed for the living room. There was one from Jana, misspelled and clearly drunk, thanking him for taking her home last night. Jens barely remembered it.

Jens came up short as he stepped out of the kitchen, his eyes falling on an unexpected sight, and he felt the mug tumble from his hand as he stared at Lucas on the floor. 

“Oh, hey,” Lucas greeted him from where he lay on his back, body folded in half like the tortilla, legs over his head, feet touching the floor behind his head. 

“Uh,” was all Jens could think to say, words forsaking him as he stared.

Their living room was pretty sparsely furnished, a second-hand couch with a large rip down the back, a coffee table full of dents and scratches, the TV perched on what might have been an old dresser, video games and controllers scattered around the floor. Of all the things Jens expected to find in the living room, Lucas folded in half like a contortionist was not one of them.

As Jens’ brain scrambled to catch up, his eyes traveled over Lucas’ body instead, his too-short boxers riding up the backs of his thighs, and Jens felt himself swallow as an unfamiliar shiver ran down his spine. Lucas’ shirt slid down his back, exposing far too much golden skin, somehow still tanned even though summer had ended a month ago. 

Yoga. The word came to mind as Jens tried to think of something normal to say, something that wouldn’t be weird with Lucas bent practically in half on the living room floor. He vaguely remembered Lucas saying something about it a while ago, but he hadn’t paid much attention. He was certainly paying attention now.

Jens had always been aware of the fact that Lucas was attractive. He’d known it since the first time they’d met and Lucas had been sure to mention that any potential flatmate had to be cool with the fact that he was gay. Jens had thought it then even as he made a stupid joke that he’d be pretty hypocritical if he had a problem with gay people. 

Lucas had smiled then, exchanged a glance with Kes, and Jens knew he was in.

He hadn’t really thought about it since then, thought beyond that initial observation that Lucas had a great smile, a sharp jawbone, pixie-like ears, that he smiled so easily at Jens. He hadn’t thought about Lucas’ collarbones or the moles on his face that he could now see were scattered over his back as well. 

Jens found a lot of people at university attractive, though. There was that girl in his nine am psych class with the long blond hair that she always tossed over her shoulder when she caught him looking. There was the guy who worked at the cafe down the street with the nose ring and long, thin fingers that made Jens consider what he could do with them. He’d never let his brain go that far with Lucas.

Lucas stretched out his fingers as Jens’ brain struggled to come up with something funny or clever to say to distract himself from the fact that he couldn’t stop picturing Lucas bent over the couch all of a sudden. 

“Jesus, bro, doesn’t that hurt?” 

Lucas smiled, as though amused, somehow unfolding himself, and Jens had no idea how. Instead, Lucas rolled into his stomach, pulling his feet up to his ears. Jens could only stare.

“Nope,” he said simply. 

“Fuck,” was all Jens said, stooping down to pick up his fallen mug finally, clenching his fingers over the handle and trying to think of something funny to say, something normal. “Can you give yourself a blow job?”

Lucas’ cheeks went a little red at Jens’ question, and it usually amused Jens to no end how easy it was to embarrass Lucas. In the month they’d lived together, Jens had discovered that despite Lucas being totally out, hooking up with guys at parties, even bringing a couple back to the apartment, he still didn’t want to talk about what they did. Now, though, he could only think of what the rest of Lucas looked like with a blush on his skin.

“Never tried,” Lucas admitted, which surprised Jens, and he was glad for the distraction. 

“If I could bend like that, I definitely would have tried,” he said, gathering himself together as Lucas switched positions again, thankfully this time to one that didn’t make Jens think of how flexible Lucas might be in bed.

He didn’t need to think like that, he told himself firmly. Lucas was his flatmate, and they got along very well considering they had been total strangers a month and a half ago. Jens was well aware of how difficult it was to find good flatmates and he wasn’t going to ruin it by suddenly wanting to bone one of his.

“Somehow I don't doubt that,” Lucas said, sounding amused as he climbed to his feet and bent over to the side, arms wrapped around his legs. 

Shit. This better not be a problem. 

He was saved from thinking something else when Kes’ bedroom door swung open and he stepped out, yawning and barely glancing at Lucas bent over in the living room, as if this was a completely normal thing to wake up to.

“Morning,” he said simply, rubbing his eyes. “What are we talking about?”

“Blow jobs,” Jens replied, glad for the interruption. From his position upside down, Lucas rolled his eyes.

“Nice,” Kes said with a nod. “Who’d you get one from?”

“Nobody.” Jens shrugged. “We were talking about giving yourself a blow job. Lucas says he’s never tried.”

Kes laughed. “I did. Once. That was a mistake.”

“There are some things I don't need to know about you,” Lucas said, straightening up finally. Smoothing down his shirt, he glanced up to catch Jens’ gaze.

Looking away quickly, Jens cast around for something else to look at. Anything else. He shouldn’t have been looking at Lucas’ stomach at all. Not his stomach or the softness of his thighs as Lucas tugged down the hem of his boxers too. He definitely shouldn’t have been wondering why he’d never quite noticed how nice Lucas’ ass was before.

His eyes fell on the weird tapestry on the wall behind the TV that had been there when Jens had moved in. He’d never asked Kes what it was and he didn’t particularly care now except it was the only thing stopping him from letting his eyes graze down Lucas’ bare legs. 

He’d seen Lucas in as many clothes plenty of times before. Hell, he’d seen Kes in less. But before this moment, before he’d walked in on Lucas twisted up like a pretzel, it had never affected him like it was right now.

“I know all too many things about your sex life,” Kes replied to Lucas, tossing him a knowing look, and Jens couldn’t stop himself from wondering just what Kes knew that he didn’t. Probably a lot considering Kes had been Lucas’ best friend since childhood and Jens had only known him a month.

Lucas merely rolled his eyes. “Because you insisted I tell you. Why don’t you pick on Jens? He never even brings people home.”

All eyes turned to Jens, who had to look away from the tapestry, back to Lucas’ raised eyebrows.

“All my hookups are plenty satisfied,” he said with a shrug, “whether I bring them home or not.”

It was true he hadn’t brought anyone home. The few people he’d hooked up with since starting school had mostly been a blow job at a party, ten minute sex with some girl at her apartment. There had been no one he wanted to bring back to his place, no one he wanted to wake up next to and have to face the morning after.

Lucas gestured as if to say, ‘see?’ “So maybe we could not ask if I’ve ever blown myself.”

“With all that yoga, I’m surprised you haven’t tried,” Kes said, stepping past Jens and the couch towards the kitchen. “Whoever you get with is going to be very satisfied.”

Kes ducked the pillow Lucas threw at him as he disappeared in the kitchen. Shaking his head, he glanced at Jens.

“I’ll let you know if I ever get the urge to try, how about that?” he asked, sarcastic, already shifting into another position. Jens didn’t stick around to see what it was, turning for his bedroom instead. This was not good. Not good at all.

*

Jens remembered exactly the first time he realized he found a guy attractive. It hadn’t been Sander once Robbe finally introduced him as his boyfriend. It hadn’t even been the guy Milan had brought home one weekend, stumbling through the door, interrupting the guys’ Fortnight tournament, and they could hear them giggling all the way down the hall. No. It had been a couple months later at the skate park, the weather warm enough for tee shirts, for guys dragging up shirt tails to wipe sweat off their faces.

There had been one guy, a guy Jens didn’t even know, tall and lean with close-cut blond hair, and in the moment he’d tugged his shirt up, exposing abs far more chiseled than Jens’, Jens had felt something. Something very similar to how he’d always felt when girls twisted their hair around their fingers and leaned over to talk to him, shirts falling open. He knew that feeling with girls, but with guys, it had been all new.

Telling Robbe about this unexpected change had taken another couple weeks, another few glances at different guys to make sure it wasn’t just a fluke. Before, Jens hadn’t thought much about who he liked, if he only liked girls, but his body seemed to know the answer before he even had.

Since then, since Jens had finally figured out how he felt about girls, and that it was very similar to how he felt about guys, he’d mostly let the chips fall where they may. He made out with girls, hooked up with guys, went on the occasional date with either one, but he didn’t think too hard about who he liked.

He’d already been through that with Jana and Britt, fucking up that whole thing royally. The less he thought, the better.

Especially the better when it was Lucas he couldn’t stop thinking about, picturing all tangled up, bent over backwards, entirely too flexible.

“What do you know about yoga?” he asked Sander over his fries, ignoring Robbe stealing one from his plate. It was a dreary day outside, which didn’t really help Jens and his determination to stop thinking about Lucas and just how flexible he might be.

Sander shrugged. “I hear it’s good for flexibility, and some people say it’s good for your mental health. Helps you focus or something.”

Jens didn’t know why he’d thought Sander might have an answer that could help him except that he went to art school. As if that made any difference.

“You thinking about trying yoga?” Robbe asked with a laugh, taking another of Jens’ fries. He should have just ordered his own.

“Fuck no,” Jens replied, shoving his plate towards Robbe anyway. “Lucas started doing it.”

Neither Robbe nor Sander seemed surprised by that. Jens supposed he shouldn’t have been surprised either considering Lucas was into that kind of stuff, like indie pop and healthy food (though he had definitely also stolen enough of Jens’ fries since Jens had known him). Yoga was probably the next natural step for someone like Lucas.

“I walked into the living room the other day, and he had his entire body, like—” Jens tried to mime it, how Lucas had been with his legs all the way behind his head, toes touching the floor, but he couldn’t describe it. He had no idea how someone even got into that position.

Robbe was watching Jens, a slight crease in his brow that Jens didn’t like.

“It was crazy,” he finished, lame, shrugging.

“Maybe we should do yoga,” Sander suggested, grinning at Robbe beside him. “Work on our flexibility.”

“Work on our mental health?” Robbe asked, and Sander jerked a shoulder.

“Sure, that too.”

Jens looked to his fries as Sander pressed a kiss to Robbe’s cheek. He wasn’t concerned with their flexibility. Just with Lucas’. Which was a problem.

Jens didn’t know why he suddenly cared. He’d lived with Lucas for over a month and had never even thought about him like that. He knew what Lucas looked like. He even knew all of his annoying quirks like how he left his dirty socks in the living room, or how he left empty milk cartons in the fridge, or how he liked to get up early and grind coffee beans when he _knew_ Jens was still asleep.

Jens knew all of that, but it didn’t stop his brain from thinking how good Lucas would look underneath him, cheeks flushed, legs wrapped around Jens’ waist.

Jerking himself back to reality, Jens found Robbe frowning at him.

“What?” he asked as though he hadn’t just spent the last few minutes lost in fantasies he should never voice to anyone.

“Everything okay at the flat?” he asked, like maybe he just knew. Jens hoped to God he didn’t. He didn’t think he could explain this sudden attraction to his flatmate, an attraction he needed to quash as soon as possible.

“Fine,” he said, taking back his plate. “Next time, get your own fries.”

Robbe rolled his eyes, but at least he didn’t push. Then again, Robbe never pushed. Jens would have to get rid of this on his own.

*

Jens needed to get laid. That was the conclusion he came to as he relaxed on the couch, feet crossed on the coffee table, on the far end from where Lucas sat, cross-legged, a textbook in his lap, chewing on the end of his pen as he frowned at the page. Jens couldn’t help watching Lucas, but he hadn’t been able to stop himself for a few days now.

It was as if he’d never really noticed all the things about Lucas that made him so attractive—his sharp jaw bone, deep blue eyes that flicked to Jens’ occasionally, the way he smiled at Kes’ stupid jokes, how much he touched Jens when he wanted his attention, needed to get past him in the doorway, teased him about how much game he had with the ladies.

He definitely needed to get laid, Jens thought as Lucas glanced up at him, taking the pen from between his lips as he raised his eyebrows.

“What?”

Shit. Lucas had caught him.

“Nothing,” he said quickly, picking up his phone instead. This was getting weird. He needed a good fuck to get this out of his system, to get Lucas out of his system.

“Okay,” Lucas said after a minute, turning back to his textbook.

Opening Grindr, Jens clicked through a couple profiles. None looked particularly interesting, but all he needed was a hook-up. Just a few hours of mindless making out or sex so he would stop thinking about his flatmate and if he’d look good on his knees.

Shaking his head, he swiped through another picture.

“What do you think of him?” he couldn’t help asking, flashing the phone at Lucas, more curious about his reaction. He’d never seen Lucas on Grindr, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t.

Glancing over, Lucas bit his lip as he inspected the photo.

“He’s okay, I guess. Not really my type.”

“Your type,” Jens repeated, raising an eyebrow. “Hot guys aren’t your type?”

Lucas smiled slightly, rolling his eyes. He surprised Jens by shifting closer, their legs pressed together as Lucas took the phone from his hand. Jens wasn’t thinking about the phone, too distracted by the warmth of Lucas’ thigh against his own.

“Well, this guy only has pictures of his abs, so who knows if that’s even real,” he said, scrolling through the photos. “And this one says he’s into public sex. Weird.”

“Okay, nobody actually reads the profile,” Jens pointed out, trying to take the phone back, but Lucas tugged it out of his reach.

“This one’s not bad,” he said, pulling up a picture of a guy with dark hair and a long nose. “But why do you need an app to find a hookup anyway?”

“I don’t,” Jens said, grabbing the phone away, clicking out of the app. “I just…” _need someone to suck me off so I stop thinking about you doing it._

He didn’t say it, almost relieved when Lucas leaned back, out of his space. He should never have been thinking that in the first place.

“As if you don’t get hit on at every party you go to. I’ve seen it happen.”

Jens had never thought that Lucas might notice, or even pay attention, to the people Jens hooked up with at parties. Lucas didn’t look as if it was a strange thing to say, sitting sideways on the couch, his books forgotten behind him.

“Keeping tabs on me, huh?” Jens asked because teasing was easy. Teasing wasn’t thinking about what Lucas’ stomach looked like underneath his worn teeshirt. 

Lucas rolled his eyes, slumping back onto his side of the couch. “Of course,” he replied, cheeky. “I’ve been pining for you since the day you moved in.”

That would have been too good to be true, Jens heard himself think before shaking that idea from his head. Jesus, he needed to find someone else to fuck, someone else to think about. He had to get Lucas out of his head.

He could do it, Jens told himself as Lucas grabbed his textbook again, as if Jens’ Grindr surfing was no longer interesting. Like Lucas said, he never had any trouble finding people. It shouldn’t have been hard to find someone to get rid of this pent-up energy, whatever was causing his sudden attraction to Lucas, an attraction that had never been there before. Before he’d walked in on Lucas doing his yoga in the living room, twisting his body in ways that made Jens’ mind jump to inappropriate places.

It was a passing attraction, one he needed to get rid of fast.

“If you haven’t, I’m doing something wrong,” Jens replied finally, catching Lucas’ smile, the way he shook his head as though Jens was stupid.

Jens forced his gaze away from Lucas, though, the way he lifted his pen back to his mouth as he returned to his books. Taking a deep breath, he told himself to forget about it, to erase the image of Lucas bent over in the living room. He’d find someone else to replace that soon enough.

*

Jens still wasn’t sure how Jana had invited herself along, her and all her friends to a gay club. It wasn’t the night he’d imagined when he’d asked Robbe if he and Sander wanted to go out with him with Jana sitting behind them in class.

Jens wasn’t looking for a girl tonight, even if that girl was Jana draping herself over his shoulders and giggling in his ear as she pointed out cute guys.

It had been a couple years since he and Jana had broken up, a couple years of tentative friendship. And maybe they’d hooked up a couple times over the summer, both drunk and alone, but Jens wasn’t totally sure she knew it had been just a hook up. Especially if the way she was hanging on him now was any indication.

“Jana,” he said as she tried to drag him to the dance floor. “Why don’t you go find Zoe and Luca?”

“I can’t leave you alone, silly,” she said, tapping his cheek with her finger, and she was definitely more drunk than he was.

He exchanged a glance with Robbe over her shoulder, a silent request for help. 

“Jana, Sander was going to go make a request for the DJ,” Robbe said, catching Jana’s attention.

“I was?” Sander asked from beside Robbe, a hand twined around his waist, but at Robbe’s look, he nodded his head. “I was. Why don’t you come help me choose a song?”

“I won’t be long,” Jana told Jens, giving him a hug, a little too tight, a little too lingering, and Jens let out a breath as she followed Sander into the crowd.

“What’s going on there?” Robbe asked, watching after her, and Jens shook his head.

“I don’t know. It’s like she wants to get back together or something.”

“Do you?”

Jens shrugged. “We’re finally in an okay place. I don’t think we need to change that.”

He hadn’t come to this club to spend the whole time awkwardly avoiding Jana’s advances. He’d come to find someone, someone to get his mind off Lucas, and that someone wasn’t Jana.

His eyes followed a guy across the dance floor, a tall, thin guy with a mop of blond curls. Now there was a distraction, he thought, as their eyes met.

Robbe seemed to follow his gaze, shaking his head as he glanced at Jens again.

“I bought you a couple minutes, but Jana will be back soon enough.”

A few minutes was all Jens needed, so he patted Robbe’s shoulder.

“Just tell her I went out for some air.”

Robbe rolled his eyes, but Jens ignored him, already plunging into the crowd, weaving through the pulsing bodies on the dance floor, finding the guy on the other side, a drink in his hand, a lazy drag of his gaze over Jens as he approached.

“Hi,” Jens said simply, putting on his most charming smile as he stepped up to the guy, let his eyes travel down his body in an obvious way.

“Hi,” the guy echoed, cool, easy, and yeah, this was going to be exactly what Jens needed.

*

Closing his eyes, Jens let his head fall back against the bathroom stall door, the lock rattling with every movement of the guy on his knees, holding onto Jens’ hips, tongue working him over hard.

“ _Fuck,_ ” Jens breathed, reaching for the guy’s hair, twisting his fingers deep in his curls, biting his lip as the pressure coiled in his stomach.

He wasn’t thinking about Lucas finally, wasn’t thinking about how good Lucas looked in tiny boxer shorts, why he’d never noticed before. No, he was thinking about the heat licking at his skin, the suction of the guy’s mouth over his dick, how he rolled his tongue over the tip, hot and dirty, too fast, and it made Jens suck in a sharp breath.

He needed this. Needed this mindless build up of pleasure. He didn’t need to know this guy’s name, didn’t need to get his phone number or stalk his Instagram. He just needed to get off.

Biting his lip, Jens sighed, hips jerking as the guy sucked him off, moving too quickly for it to be really amazing, but Jens didn’t care. He didn’t care that it would be over too soon because it felt good right now. It felt good and he didn’t have to think about it.

He was sure Jana was out in the club somewhere, looking for him, that she would have been more than happy to do this. But Jens needed something else right now. He didn’t want her big blue eyes staring up at him, didn’t want her long hair between his fingers. He didn’t want her curves, soft and sweet. No. He wanted hard angles under his hands, a smooth, flat chest pressed to his, someone to get his mind off his stupid flatmate and his yoga routines.

The guy was enough, Jens thought as he let out a soft noise, so close to coming, so close to getting over this. Girls were never quite as good at this anyway, he admitted to himself, never got him off as well as someone who knew exactly what felt good.

Jens came with a huffed breath, holding the guy down, tilting his chin to stare up at the ceiling as he breathed through it, through the surge of pleasure washing over him as he pushed his hips into the guy’s mouth.

The guy glanced up as Jens cursed to himself, reaching for his jeans, tugging them over his hips.

“You looked like you needed that,” the guy said as he climbed to his feet, and Jens smiled slightly.

“I did,” he agreed, “and you do it well.”

The guy just laughed, reaching around Jens for the lock on the stall. “If you ever need it, I’m around.”

It wasn’t really an offer, and Jens didn’t reply as the guy left the bathroom. Jens didn’t follow right away, heading for the sink and wetting his hands before running them through his hair. In the mirror, he plucked at his hair for a moment, making sure his pants were zipped and smoothing down his shirt. This was exactly the thing to stop his strange attraction to Lucas. It was just a physical thing. Just a momentary lapse and Jens had just set it straight.

When he got home tonight, he was sure everything would be back to normal, and that was all he wanted.

Smiling to himself, Jens pushed open the bathroom door finally. Maybe he’d even let Jana flirt with him tonight because that was how things should be.

*

His keys jangled too loudly as Jens pushed open the front door of the apartment, feeling light and happy as he turned to the living room. It had been a good night, a satisfying night, and he was ready to crawl into bed and sleep off whatever alcohol lingered in his system.

As he stepped into the living room, though, Lucas’ head popped up over the couch.

“Hey,” Lucas greeted him, and Jens glanced at the television lighting up the room behind Lucas. It was some movie Jens didn’t recognize, one he’d definitely never watched with Lucas or Kes before—there weren’t any screeching cars or blazing gunfire in the background. “I didn’t think you’d be home until later.”

“Where’s Kes?” Usually, Kes was the one watching movies with Lucas, sprawled out on the couch, taking up every inch, feet in Lucas’ lap as though Lucas didn’t mind the invasion of space.

Lucas jerked his shoulders, watching Jens drop his keys on the tiny table by the door. “Went out with some girl.”

Jens didn’t ask why Lucas hadn’t gone out somewhere. There were surely parties to go to, people to hang out with, guys to hook up with.

“What is this?” he asked instead as he rounded the couch, shrugging off his jacket and dumping it on the floor.

Lucas was curled up on the couch, a blanket wrapped around him, and Jens smiled at the sight. He felt relaxed as he sunk onto the couch—this was how it was supposed to be. No thinking about Lucas’ body or just how much he could contort his body. It had just been a passing attraction. That was all.

“A movie,” Lucas replied, and Jens snorted.

“I can see that. What movie?”

Lucas glanced at him from the other side of the couch, sitting up now, seemingly less relaxed than Jens was.

“Pride and Prejudice,” he said, as if Jens was supposed to know what that was. He could see it was some kind of period thing, girls in weird dresses and guys with high collars. He hadn’t even known Lucas was into this kind of thing.

“Is it some, like, romance movie?”

“Kinda,” Lucas admitted as Jens set his heels on the coffee table.

He smiled. “So you’re into romantic movies?”

Lucas slid down, legs tucked under him, mouth twisted to the side. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No,” Jens said easily, tugging at the blanket over Lucas’ lap. “Just didn’t expect that.”

Lucas looked away, but Jens saw him smile slightly.

“Because you and Kes both love Fast and the Furious movies so much?”

Jens shrugged, glancing over at Lucas. It was late, after midnight, and he was only slightly tipsy from the club. It was nice to just sit here on the couch, the movie playing quietly on the screen, though Jens had no idea what was happening in it.

“What’s so special about this one?” he asked, nodding at the TV, feeling the couch shift as Lucas settled in, closer this time, sliding down against Jens as he dragged the blanket over him as well.

“See that, right there?” Lucas asked, voice quiet, and Jens had to force his eyes to the television, the close-up on a guy’s hand flexing. “That’s my favorite part of this whole movie.”

“His hand?” Jens could see the appeal of guys’ hands, but it seemed an odd moment to be a favorite.

“He just touched her for the first time,” Lucas said, shoulder pressed to Jens’ as though they did this all the time, stayed up late to watch movies Jens would normally never have looked twice at. “And it’s like lightening.” He paused, and Jens glanced down at his head, the warmth of his shoulder against his. “Have you ever felt that?”

For a second, Jens didn’t reply. He had, once, with Jana all those years ago. Gazing down at Lucas, Lucas didn’t look back at him, watching the movie play out. Instead of answering, Jens felt himself sliding down, arm falling around Lucas’ shoulders.

As they sat there, curled on the couch, Jens found himself watching Lucas instead of the movie, and Jens felt it, the sudden clench deep in his stomach, the tingle along the back of his neck, and he took a deep breath. 

Fuck.

*

Jens should have been listening to whatever the professor was saying about the nature versus nurture philosophy, but his mind was wandering out of the classroom, back to his flat where Lucas had smiled at him this morning, a pot of coffee already brewed, and it had sent his mind into a tailspin.

The girl in the row below him caught his eye as Jens tried to force Lucas from his mind. She smiled easily, flipping her hair over her shoulder, and he knew he should talk to her. She’d probably be interested in going back to his place if he asked. If he bothered to.

Tapping his pen against his notepad, Jens looked away from her, across the hall to the professor at the front. He wondered if psychology could explain why he suddenly felt things for Lucas, things he hadn’t felt a few months ago when they’d first met. He wondered if there was a way to get rid of it.

He’d thought that sex would help, that getting laid would get rid of this weird attraction to Lucas, and it had. For a minute. But Jens couldn’t deny the way his heart had thudded in his chest the other day as Lucas curled into him to watch the movie. That had been new.

What was wrong with him?

Jens barely noticed when class ended, the mass shift as everyone rose from their seats and headed for the door. He hadn’t taken any notes, he realized as he shut his notebook and slipped it into his bag. He had no idea where his head was—actually, he knew exactly where it was. It was stuck on Lucas.

The sun was out for once as Jens joined the throng of students wandering across campus to find Robbe waiting for him outside the library.

“Hey,” Robbe greeted him, pushing at his hair as though it wasn’t staying in place. He gave up after a minute as Jens watched him. “Are we going to your place?”

“My place,” Jens repeated slowly. His place was full of Lucas doing yoga in the living room, Lucas trying to explain why he liked romantic movies, Lucas being considerate and making coffee for the whole apartment.

“Your place,” Robbe repeated, frowning slightly. “Something wrong with that?”

“No,” Jens said quickly. There was nothing wrong with his place. There was nothing wrong with Lucas being everywhere. Because Jens wasn’t into him. “Let’s go.”

Robbe still frowned, but he fell into step with Jens anyway. “Everything okay?”

Jens didn’t sigh, flashing Robbe a reassuring smile. “Of course.”

Everything was fine. Jens wasn’t going to let these weird feelings for Lucas change things. They were friends. They were flatmates. Jens knew it was a bad idea to get involved with someone you lived with, so he wouldn’t.

“Because you can tell me if—”

“Robbe,” Jens interrupted him, turning a corner and heading for his flat. It wasn’t too far from campus, one of the reasons Jens liked it. There were lots of reasons he liked this particular flat, including how chill Kes and Lucas were, something he was not going to upset with pointless feelings. “Everything’s fine.”

“Okay,” Robbe said, as though he didn’t quite believe Jens.

“Why aren’t we going to your place?” Jens asked instead of trying to convince Robbe that everything was perfectly okay.

“Sander’s working on a project for school. There’s charcoal everywhere,” Robbe said, but he smiled slightly. They were so in love, it was disgusting. Jens chose not to comment on it, punching Robbe’s arm instead.

They reached Jens’ flat in no time, climbing the stairs to his unit. Unlocking the front door, Jens let Robbe go in first, tucking his keys in his pocket.

“I think we have some beers in the fridge,” he said, coming in after and turning to Robbe stopped in the entry, head cocked to the side. “What are you…” Stepping around Robbe, he stopped just as suddenly as his eyes fell on Lucas, yoga mat stretched out on the floor, his legs perched on his elbows, holding himself up with only his hands.

“Wow,” Robbe said, sounding impressed. Jens was less impressed and far more turned on than he should have been as Lucas untwisted himself.

“Hey, guys,” he greeted them easily.

“Jens said you were doing yoga,” Robbe said, as though it was completely normal to find this in the living room. “I didn’t know you were that good.”

Lucas smiled, glancing at Jens behind Robbe. “I doubt Jens knows what good yoga is.”

“Fuck you,” Jens said without any heat, shaking himself out of those same thoughts from before inundating his brain.

Lucas merely laughed, a sound that shot straight through Jens, and he had to turn away, head for the kitchen. Fuck, he was in deep shit, he thought as he yanked open the fridge.

“What are you guys up to?” he heard Lucas ask Robbe, and Jens grabbed a couple beers, taking a deep breath before returning to the living room.

“We were just going to hang out, play video games or something.”

Lucas caught Jens’ eye as he returned. “Do you need me to clear out? I can do this in my room.”

Why hadn’t Lucas been doing it in his room the whole time? Jens thought. That would have saved him so much trouble.

“You don’t need to do that,” Jens heard himself say, the words coming out before he could really think about them. “Stay out here and I’ll kick your ass in Mario Kart.”

Lucas glanced between him and Robbe for a second. “Doubtful.”

“He’s pretty good,” Robbe admitted as Jens dumped his bag finally and hopped over the back of the couch, settling in and grabbing the controller. Lucas raised an eyebrow, hands coming up to his hips, and Jens looked away from Lucas’ bare legs, swallowing down the lump rising in his throat.

“We’ll see about that,” Lucas said, crawling onto the couch next to Jens, legs crossed as he grabbed the controller out of Jens’ hands. Lucas’ knee touched his, and Jens didn’t let his eyes slide over to where Lucas’ boxers edged up his thighs.

Robbe grabbed the second controller from the floor, pausing as he handed it to Jens, glancing at Lucas for a second. Jens watched the brief flash of a thought in Robbe’s mind before Robbe settled in next to Jens, not nearly as close as Lucas, and didn’t say anything.

Robbe had seen something, Jens knew, but he had the good sense to keep quiet at least, and Jens wasn’t sure he wanted to talk about it anyway. There wasn’t anything to talk about.

*

“So what’s going on with you and Lucas?” Robbe asked over the sounds of gunfire on the television. Glancing at Lucas’ closed door, Jens didn’t reply right away.

Lucas had left them alone half an hour ago, after proudly declaring himself the winner of Mario Kart and patting Jens’ knee as he pushed himself up. Jens might have held his breath for a second, might have watched Lucas disappear into his room to do some homework.

“Nothing,” he said finally, keeping his voice low, as though Lucas could hear over the video game.

Beer bottles were scattered over the coffee table, a half-empty box of pizza lying open. Jens had long kicked his shoes off, leaving him in his socks that he set on the table.

He probably had homework to do too, readings and essays, but he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have been able to concentrate. He could barely concentrate on the game.

“Nothing,” Robbe repeated, as though he knew just how much of a lie that was. “You looked sort of like a deer in headlights today when he sat next to you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Jens said, rolling his eyes. He wasn’t that spastic. 

“Jens,” Robbe said, and Jens sighed.

There wasn’t any point in talking about it. It wouldn’t solve his problem, it wouldn’t make it go away. He wasn’t like Robbe who had to find his one true love and never let go. He just happened to somehow be into Lucas, which was a terrible idea for several reasons.

“Nothing is going on,” he said firmly, and it was the truth. “We’re friends. We live together. That’s it.”

Robbe was quiet for a moment, watching Lucas’ door. “Is that all you want it to be?”

Rolling his eyes, Jens hit Robbe’s shoulder. “Fuck, bro, what are you talking about?”

He knew exactly what Robbe was getting at. Robbe was one of those annoyingly perceptive people, which Jens usually didn’t mind. It meant Jens didn’t have to explain himself most of the time, that Robbe just got whatever it was. It also meant Robbe knew there was something weird happening here where none of Jens’ other friends would have even noticed.

Robbe merely raised his eyebrows and Jens sighed.

“Just let it go,” he said without answering Robbe’s unspoken question. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Robbe didn’t reply for a second, running his thumb over his controller. He glanced at Jens finally. “Lucas is a nice guy.”

He said it as if Jens didn’t know. As if Jens wasn’t the one who lived with him, who spent the most time talking with Lucas about school and life and pointless shit.

“I know,” he said finally, shoving Robbe instead. “Come on, we gonna play or not?”

Jens’ mind wasn’t on the game, though, as Robbe started it again.

*

Jens’ alarm went off at the ungodly hour of eight in the morning, his phone blasting the noise into his ears as he groaned into the pillow, groping blindly to turn it off. For a moment, he lay there, staring at the ceiling as his mind wandered to last night.

It had been a completely normal night except that Lucas hadn’t come home alone.

It wasn’t as if Jens hadn’t seen Lucas with guys before. There had been one who Lucas had seen a couple times. Jens had even learned his name at one point, but most of them never lasted long. Jens had never cared before, cared who Lucas was hooking up with. Not until recently.

Shaking his head, Jens huffed out a breath and reached for his phone instead. Yanking it off the charger, he squinted at the notifications on the screen.

_Amber heard of a party down by the river this weekend,_ Jana had written late last night. _Come with me?_

Sighing, Jens didn’t reply, shoving his phone back on the table and rubbing his eyes. He wasn’t sure what he’d done to indicate he was interested in getting back together, but he wasn’t. He also couldn’t tell if that was what Jana even wanted. Maybe she just wanted to hook up with him. Maybe she was just lonely—the first year of Uni had been harder than Jens had expected and he was sure he wasn’t the only one.

His alarm went off again a minute later and Jens yawned, shoving off the covers finally. He hadn’t bothered to do the readings last night, too distracted by the guy Lucas had brought home, the unnerving silence that had come from his bedroom once the door shut. He hadn’t seen the guy leave, and Jens wasn’t sure he wanted to venture into the kitchen to find Lucas hanging all over some guy.

Jens knew, logically, it shouldn’t have bothered him. Lucas was free to hook up with anyone he wanted. Like he’d told Robbe a few days ago, there was nothing to talk about.

Still, Jens couldn’t help the annoying clench in his chest as he paused at his door. Had he wanted it to be him last night? Wanted it to be Lucas tugging him to the bedroom by his hand? Jens had tried not to think about it—the moment had only last a second, Lucas coming home, walking straight past Jens and Kes on the couch, the guy trailing after. Kes had barely looked up, but Jens couldn’t tear his gaze away.

Kes hadn’t said anything after the door closed either, just asked Jens if they’d gotten the rent notice yet.

He was being stupid, Jens told himself as he yanked open the door and stepped into the living room. He didn’t care if Lucas brought home a guy.

Voices were coming from the kitchen and Jens hesitated despite himself, but he recognized Kes’ voice after a second.

“Are you sure you don’t want to come? You haven’t been home for weeks.”

“There’s no reason to go back,” Lucas said, and Jens heard mugs clinking on the counter.

“Your friends?” Kes asked, sounding concerned. “Isa? Jayden? Remember them?”

“Yes, Kes,” Lucas said, sounding like he was rolling his eyes. Jens had vaguely heard the names before, some of Lucas and Kes’ friends back in Utrecht. “I would just rather stay here.”

Jens stepped closer to the kitchen. He shouldn’t have been eavesdropping, and he was relieved the guy from last night didn’t seem to be there.

“What about your mom?”

Lucas didn’t reply to that right away, and Jens rounded the corner. From the looks of things, Lucas was on edge, a hand gripping his mug tightly while Kes’ eyebrows were in his hairline.

“Morning,” Jens greeted them. Lucas didn’t glance at him, frowning now, but Kes nodded in greeting.

No one said anything else as Jens stood there, glancing between them. He’d clearly interrupted something.

“I got to get to class,” he said when neither Lucas nor Kes did anything but stand awkwardly in the kitchen, Lucas avoiding looking at Kes, Kes frowning at him.

Slipping out of the kitchen, Jens returned to his room. He didn’t know what that was all about, and he didn’t want to know. All he cared was that the guy from last night was apparently long gone. It wasn’t even something Jens should have cared about, but he did. Apparently Lucas hadn’t cared enough about him to even let him stay the night. A good sign.

No, a bad sign, Jens told himself firmly as he tugged on his jeans. He should want Lucas to find someone so that Jens wouldn’t keep thinking maybe he could try something.

Shaking his head, Jens pulled a sweatshirt over his head, smoothing down the creases and checking his hair in his phone before he grabbed his bag. Back in the living room, he found Lucas sitting on the floor in front of the couch, legs crossed beneath him, taking deep breaths, eyes closed. Kes didn’t appear to be in the flat anywhere.

“You okay?” Jens asked, hesitating as he passed the couch.

Lucas opened his eyes slowly, looking up at Jens. He took a minute, lips twisting to the side, before he nodded.

“Fine,” he said, and Jens thought he should ask more, but he was going to be late if he didn’t leave now.

“I’ll see you later,” he said instead, and Lucas nodded again, taking another deep breath and exhaling slowly.

At the door, Jens paused, glancing over his shoulder. He couldn’t see Lucas behind the couch, but he knew he was there. A part of him wanted to stay, to ask what was wrong, what Kes had meant about Lucas’ mom, but he didn’t. He didn’t stay, closing the door behind him and heading to class instead.

*

Jana texted again during his afternoon class and Jens still didn’t respond. It wasn’t like he had anything to do this weekend. Robbe and Sander were going to some movie marathon thing, and Jens hadn’t talked to his other friends since the last party—Aaron was busy being gross with Amber all the time anyway and Moyo had finally realized that being nice to girls was a great way to hook up.

A party on the river sounded fun, but Jens wasn’t an idiot. He knew Jana was inviting him for a reason, and that reason wasn’t just that they were friends.

Instead of responding, he left her on read as he opened the door to the flat, finding it blissfully empty for once. Kicking off his shoes, Jens peeled off his sweatshirt, tossing it on his bed as he headed for the nightstand, rummaging in the drawer for the little bag of weed he kept there.

Back in the living room, Jens sunk onto the couch, rolling the joint on the table, sealing the edge with his tongue and twisting the end. He just needed to relax, to spend an evening free of thoughts or concerns.

As he lit up the joint, taking the first slow hit, the flat door opened behind him. Twisting, his gaze fell on Lucas stepping inside. He didn’t say anything when Lucas looked up.

“Long week?” Lucas asked, and Jens shrugged, holding up the joint. Lucas smiled after a second, lifting his hand to reveal the case of beer in it. “Mind if I join?”

Jens wasn’t going to say no, even if maybe he should have, but he didn’t. Instead, he jerked his shoulders, and Lucas shut the door behind him, rounding the couch and flopping down. Ripping open the case, he pulled out a bottle, popping the top and handing it to Jens, who traded the joint for it.

He watched Lucas take a long drag, as if putting all his concentration into it. Lucas breathed out the smoke with a sigh. He caught Jens watching and smiled slightly.

“Almost as good as home,” he said, and Jens wanted to ask. He wanted to ask what Lucas meant by that, but he took the joint back instead, licking his lips before taking a hit.

The smoke settled in his lungs, softening the edges, relaxing his whole body. It _had_ been a long week, between Robbe asking about Lucas, Jens’ inability to get rid of these new feelings for Lucas, feelings he shouldn’t be having.

“Is that where Kes is?” he asked finally, and Lucas took a big gulp of his beer.

“Mm,” Lucas hummed in agreement, taking another drink. Jens let him take the joint from his fingers. He paused as he exhaled the smoke, glancing at Jens. “You want to get drunk with me?”

Jens laughed, surprised at the question. He didn’t think he’d ever seen Lucas truly drunk in the time he’d known him. Tipsy maybe, happily on the edge, hanging onto Kes at parties, but never completely drunk.

Lucas wasn’t laughing, though, finishing off his beer and reaching for another bottle.

“Sure,” Jens heard himself agreeing, draining his beer to catch up. If he was drunk, at least he wouldn’t have to think about reasons why he shouldn’t be doing this. That was a good enough reason for him.

*

Jens was more than a little drunk, and definitely high as he laughed with Lucas, ignoring his phone vibrating its way off the table.

“So how come you didn’t go with Kes?” Jens asked, licking his lips, shaking the bottles on the table for one that wasn’t totally empty. He found one, draining what was left of the beer down his throat.

Lucas blinked slowly from his position on the couch, legs spread wide, head tilted against the cushion, halfway slumped down against Jens. Jens didn’t know how they’d ended up so close together again, but he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind Lucas’ hand resting on his leg, as though he didn’t know it was there.

“Didn’t feel like it,” Lucas replied slowly, biting his bottom lip as he sighed. “Didn’t want to see my dad.”

“What about your mom?” 

They’d never talked about it, why Lucas and Kes were over here, had gone to school in Belgium when home was only a few hours away. Jens had never asked, never been curious before. But with Lucas’ hair tickling his neck, he thought maybe he did want to know.

Lucas shifted, shoving himself halfway up, sniffing and reaching for his beer. Everything felt soft and a little fuzzy as Jens watched him, like every movement took a little more effort, was a little more fluid than usual.

“She’s in a facility,” Lucas said, slurring his words a little, and the bottle wobbled and fell to the floor as he tried to set it down. “’Cause she won’t take her meds.”

“Meds?”

Lucas glanced over at Jens, eyes squinted, and he swallowed, licking his lips slowly. Jens didn’t pull his gaze away this time.

“She’s bi—bi-polar,” Lucas said finally, “like Sander, but worse.”

Jens didn’t know what worse meant. “Sorry,” he said as Lucas slumped back on the couch, too close to Jens, and Jens could feel his huff of breath against his neck. A jolt of heat ran down his spine as he watched Lucas.

Lucas shook his head. “I just can’t do anything for her,” he said after a minute. “I can’t do anything.”

If Jens was sober, he might have thought of something to say, something comforting to make Lucas feel better. Instead, he did the only thing he could think of, leaning over and kissing him.

Lucas tasted like beer and weed, but he didn’t pull away. He didn’t stop Jens, kissing him back as heat flooded Jens’ body.

Jens didn’t stop to think about what he was doing, that Lucas kissed him back, opening his mouth to Jens’ tongue, hot and slick and sloppy, not nearly as finessed as Jens usually was, but fuck if he cared. He didn’t care. He didn’t care that he shouldn’t have been doing this, that he shouldn’t have been pulling Lucas closer, mouth dropping open when Lucas climbed into his lap, Lucas’ fingers buried in his hair.

Everything was hot, too hot, as Jens bit at Lucas’ bottom lip, the only sound in the living room the smack of their lips, a breath here and there, the rustle of clothing against each other. Jens’ hand slid to Lucas’ back, the soft cotton of his shirt bunching in his fist.

It was everything he wanted, everything he’d been thinking about for weeks, getting his hands on Lucas, feeling the heat of his skin against Jens’, the way Lucas moved against him, tongue slick against his own.

Jens’ head was foggy when Lucas pulled away, sudden, sharp, his fingers releasing their grip in Jens’ hair.

“Fuck,” Lucas breathed, and he was moving away before Jens could stop him. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have—Sorry.”

“Luc,” Jens got out as Lucas stumbled off the couch, rubbing at his face, cheeks hot, lips red. He didn’t want Lucas to go, didn’t like the way Lucas was frowning, shaking his head.

“I’m drunk,” Lucas slurred. “You’re too drunk.”

Jens didn’t know what to say to that, opening his mouth and pausing. He’d say almost anything right now to get Lucas back in his lap. But that didn’t seem like an option.

“Hey,” he said anyway, reaching for Lucas’ wrist. “I’m sorry.”

He didn’t know why he was sorry except that Lucas wasn’t sitting with him anymore. Had he fucked it all up? He couldn’t figure it out, not right now with all the alcohol confusing his brain.

Lucas shook his head again, but he let Jens tug him back to the couch. He didn’t sit as close this time, though, curling up a cushion away. Yeah, he’d definitely fucked up, Jens thought, and unless he drank a lot more, he was going to remember it in the morning, which might have been the worst part as Lucas pulled at his shirt and Jens sighed, silence falling between them as they sat in the empty living room.

*

Lucas said nothing the next morning, didn’t even mention the night before even as Jens watched him make coffee, sat at the tiny dining room table turning his phone between his fingers.

Jens remembered. He remembered everything that had happened last night—the weed, the drinking, the kiss, Lucas in his lap all warm and soft and tempting. He wasn’t sure he was ever going to forget that.

“Doing anything fun today?” Lucas asked, setting a mug filled with coffee in front of Jens.

Glancing up, Jens frowned at the question, at the way Lucas acted totally normally. Lucas didn’t show any signs that anything unusual had happened, making coffee and wandering around the apartment in his pajamas like he did every day.

He shrugged in response, biting his lip as he watched Lucas roll out his yoga mat in front of the couch. He wasn’t going to say something if Lucas wasn’t going to. He wasn’t going to tell Lucas that he couldn’t stop thinking about it, that all he wanted to do was shove Lucas down on the couch, climb on top of him, pull him closer. He wanted all of it.

But instead of doing any of that, he clutched his phone as it vibrated with a new message and forced his gaze away from Lucas starting his stretches.

_Are you coming tonight?_

Jana’s message shone on the screen and Jens sighed. It wasn’t as if a drunken kiss with Lucas was going to change anything. They were still flatmates. They were still friends. Lucas apparently didn’t even remember.

Frowning, Jens typed in his response, glancing over at Lucas as his thumb hovered over the send button. Lucas didn’t meet his gaze, stretching on the floor, fingers grasping onto the bottoms of his feet. Swallowing down the disappointment rising in his throat, Jens gave himself a little shake. He wasn’t supposed to care that Lucas didn’t remember. He didn’t care.

_I’ll be there._

*

A chill breeze came off the water as Jens gazed into the depths beneath the dock, dark and rippling. Behind him, the party was still going on, people passing around beers, cheering as they tossed empties into the river. Someone had brought a speaker that pumped music into the night air, and Jens wondered how long it might be until the police showed up to shut it down.

He didn’t really care if it got shut down, taking a sip of his beer and jumping as arms landed over his shoulders.

“What are you doing over here?” Jana asked when Jens turned to her. She had on a too low-cut top considering the temperature outside, but Jens didn’t look down at it. “All your friends are back there.” She nodded at the group of people singing along to some old song. Moyo and Aaron were at the edge, drunk and swaying, shouting louder than anyone else.

“Just wanted to get away,” he said after a second, reaching up and smoothing Jana’s hair behind her ear. She smiled at the gesture. The truth was, he couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas, even at this party where he was supposed to be getting drunk, supposed to be having fun. He couldn’t help thinking about the way Lucas had said, ‘I can’t do anything,’ last night and Jens had just had to kiss him then, to make him feel better somehow.

Maybe it had been a totally idiotic move. Maybe he shouldn’t have done anything.

What did he want to happen anyway? He thought as Jana stared up at him, big eyes shining in the city lights. If it was just sex, he could have sex with anyone. He could find a guy that looked like Lucas and try to get it out of his system.

Well, he’d done that already and it hadn’t worked.

So it was more than sex. It was watching movies late at night just to be close to Lucas, hovering in the kitchen while he made coffee, Lucas handing him a mug without even asking, Lucas confiding in Jens why he didn’t want to go home. It was teasing Lucas about the old band tee shirts he wore, bands Jens had never heard of, Lucas’ sarcastic replies, the way he rolled his eyes at Jens. It was all that.

Jana gazed up at him, arms slung around his shoulders, the party forgotten as they stood on the docks, dark water lapping at the pillars beneath them.

She was beautiful, he thought, but he’d always known that. He may not have known they were going to get together, that they were going to fuck it all up and never quite find their way back, but he knew she was beautiful.

“Jens,” she said quietly, and she didn’t have to rise up on her toes like Lucas might have, lips too close to his. “I want to kiss you.”

Jens didn’t stop her, didn’t do anything but close his eyes as she kissed him. It felt familiar, a place Jens had been before, a place he understood. But as he stood there, Jana’s lips pressed to his, he didn’t feel much more than that.

“Wait,” he said finally, carefully nudging her back. “We can’t do this.”

“Why not?” she asked, her hands falling to her sides, eyebrows furrowed. “We’ve grown up. We’re not the same as we used to be. We could be better this time.”

Maybe that was true, Jens thought as he tapped the side of his empty bottle. Maybe they would be better this time—no cheating or lying or stupid jealousy on Jana’s part—but Jana wasn’t who he wanted to do that with.

“We are different,” he agreed finally as Jana stared at him, waiting for an explanation he didn’t really have. “But that doesn’t mean it would work. It doesn’t mean I want to try.”

Shaking her head, Jana looked more annoyed than anything. “So that’s just it? You’ve changed and we’re never getting back together.”

Jens didn’t know how to make this situation better as she glared at him now. It was the truth and he didn’t know what else to say.

“We weren’t good together,” he pointed out. “We fought all the time.”

“We were sixteen!”

“I’m sorry, Jana,” he said as she scoffed, holding up a hand to stop him.

“Just don’t,” she said, tugging her top up. “We don’t need to do this.”

Jens didn’t know what _this_ was but he didn’t want to do it either. He wanted to go back to his flat, find Lucas, and curl into him as though that would solve any of his problems.

“I like being friends with you,” he said as she crossed her arms tight across her stomach.

“Yeah, that’s all,” she said, short, looking away, back to the party. “That’s all.”

Jens sighed as they stood there, just beyond the circle of the party, lights reflecting in the water stretching out to the opposite bank. It was a long moment, but finally, Jens stepped forward, around Jana, leaving her on the dock as he headed away from the party to take the long bus home.

*

Jens had definitely fucked everything up. That was the conclusion he came to as he sat on Robbe and Sander’s couch, taking the tea Robbe made for him and shaking his head when Robbe offered him cookies. Coming over here was like being mothered, but it was better than his own mother who probably wouldn’t have even listened, too busy herding his sisters around.

He was sure Lucas was back at the flat, but after the party last night, Jens hadn’t wanted to go back there. He hadn’t wanted to face Lucas, even if Lucas was acting like nothing had happened. He’d meant to, to take the bus back to his flat, but instead, he’d found himself at Robbe’s flat instead.

His neck had a crick in it from where he’d slept on the couch, and now Jens had Robbe sinking into the chair opposite, waiting for Jens to explain himself.

“Don’t you have your own flat?” Robbe asked as Jens blew on the tea. He didn’t really like tea.

There was really no reason not to say it, Jens thought, eyes on the slat of sunlight falling across the floor. Robbe knew him better than anyone, knew about all his stupid mistakes, from Britt to Jana to that guy he’d dated for a hot second last year. There were no secrets left to tell.

“I did something stupid,” Jens said finally, and he wasn’t surprised by Robbe’s lack of reaction.

“With Lucas?”

Jens scoffed. “Why do you think it’s about Lucas?”

Robbe shrugged, glancing up as Sander wandered through the living room. Sander squeezed Robbe’s shoulder gently as he passed, disappearing into the kitchen.

“Because last time I was over, there was definitely something happening with you two. Or just you. I don’t know.”

Sighing, Jens took a sip of the scalding tea, burning his tongue. Robbe was right, after all. He might as well admit it.

“Fine, yeah, it’s about Lucas,” he said finally. “It turns out that maybe I kind of, sort of, like him a tiny bit.”

Robbe smiled, much to Jens’ annoyance. “Took you long enough.”

“Excuse me?”

Leaning back in the chair, Robbe shook his head as though Jens was an idiot. He already knew that. He didn’t need to be told. 

“Have you ever looked at Lucas?” Robbe asked, eyebrows high. “He’s—”

“Hot,” Sander finished for Robbe, poking his head around the doorway. “Sorry, tiny flat. Thin walls.”

Jens didn’t bother to roll his eyes as Sander joined Robbe on the chair, squishing in beside him, practically in his lap. Like parents with better weed.

“So, what?” he asked, shaking his head. “I kissed him. We were drunk. He’s acting like he doesn’t remember. I’m not supposed to like him.”

“Why not?” Sander asked curiously, adjusting himself on Robbe’s lap. They were so adorably domestic, Jens thought, a clench in his chest as he thought about Lucas, how he and Lucas could be just like that if Lucas actually wanted to.

“Because we live together,” Jens said simply. “Do you know how hard it was to find a decent flat? With people I don’t want to murder on a daily basis?”

Robbe frowned. “What’s more important? The flat or a potentially great relationship with Lucas?”

When Robbe put it like that, it sounded so simple. But it wasn’t.

“It’s not that easy,” Jens argued. “If he’s not interested, I’ve ruined the whole flat dynamic. And if he is, then you’re living with someone you’re dating. And what if that doesn’t work out?”

“Since when have you ever thought this far ahead?” Robbe asked, and Jens didn’t have an answer. Normally, he barely thought at all before diving headfirst into relationships. But Lucas was different.

“I’m just saying, a million things could go wrong.”

“But one thing could go right,” Sander offered. “And it could be the best thing.”

Sighing, Jens didn’t reply, curling up on the couch. Maybe Sander was right, but maybe his first instinct was right. Jens didn’t know.

Robbe seemed to frown, watching Jens across from him.

“You really like him,” he said finally, and Jens rolled his eyes.

“I already told you.”

“No,” Robbe said, shaking his head, not glancing at Sander beside him. “I mean, you really do. You’re worrying about a future that might not even happen. You didn’t even think with Jana.”

“Yeah, and that turned out so well,” Jens muttered, remembering last night. She hadn’t texted since then, and he wasn’t sure she would ever again.

“Lucas isn’t Jana,” Robbe said simply.

Jens was well-aware of that fact, but it didn’t help him. It didn’t help him solve the problem of what the fuck he was supposed to do. He couldn’t go on like this, avoiding the flat, avoiding Lucas, pretending nothing had happened between them. They’d both been drunk, he knew that, but that didn’t change the fact that Jens had kissed Lucas. He’d kissed Lucas and Lucas had kissed him back.

“So what do I do?” Jens asked at length, looking at Sander and Robbe, as if they might have some magical solution to all his problems.

“Don’t say paint a mural of his face,” Robbe said as Sander opened his mouth.

“I wasn’t going to,” Sander said, rolling his eyes and pressing a kiss to Robbe’s cheek. “I was going to say that you should just tell him how you feel. It’s better to know than not know. The anxiety will hurt a lot more than a rejection.”

“Robbe?” Jens asked next, and Robbe shook his head.

“I say tell him. Sander is right—it’s better to know.”

Sander grinned, tilting Robbe’s face to his. “I like when you say I’m right.”

Jens looked away as they kissed softly. Just tell Lucas. That was their only advice. Where was the advice to shove down his feelings and hope they went away at some point? That seemed far more doable than admitting his feelings.

Sipping his tea, Jens made a face. It would have been so much easier if he’d realized this months ago, before he really knew Lucas, before he liked living with him and Kes, but maybe he wouldn’t have figured it out then. Maybe he would have seen Lucas as a one-night kind of thing instead of this annoying ache deep in his gut when he thought about going home and talking to him.

Sander was murmuring something in Robbe’s ear now, Robbe smiling easily, and Jens sighed, pulling his knees to his chest. He’d go home in a minute. He just needed a minute.

*

The living room was empty as Jens pushed open the front door, stepping inside and glancing around. Kes clearly wasn’t back yet as there was no bag of clothes dumped by the wall. In fact, the whole flat seemed much cleaner than usual, Jens noted, pulling off his jacket. There were no shoes piled by the door, the dishes had been done, stacked neatly in the drying rack on the counter. Jens even suspected that the floor had been swept, and something definitely smelled lemony as he crossed the living room.

Pausing at his door, he turned towards Lucas’. He could hear the faint sound of music coming from behind the door.

So Lucas was home, shut up in his room. Jens wouldn’t even have to see him until tomorrow if he didn’t want to. He could leave Lucas there, not have to talk to him, to see if Lucas acted any different.

_It’s better to know_. Robbe’s words echoed in his brain as Jens paused, hand on his own doorknob.

How much longer could he go on like this? Shoving his feelings aside, pretending everything was normal when all he wanted to do was kiss Lucas, to be around him, to watch stupid romance movies that he’d never heard of.

Grimacing, Jens cursed to himself as he let go of his handle and stepped over to Lucas’ door instead, knocking carefully.

He didn’t hear a response as he twisted the knob, pushing the door open slowly.

Lucas’ head came up from where he sat on his bed, laptop in front of him. For a second, he looked worried, a crease in his brow, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come.

“Too loud?” he asked, nodding at the laptop, the music playing there.

Jens shook his head, hating the nerves that welled up inside him. He hated being nervous, hated feeling like he wasn’t sure of himself, of what was going on. But Lucas did that to him now, made him nervous.

“I need to talk to you,” he said instead, stepping inside the room.

He hadn’t spent much time in Lucas’ room since moving in. It was brighter than his, a bigger window on the wall, a struggling plant on the sill. It also seemed abnormally tidy, clothes shoved away, the only messy thing a stack of textbooks at the foot of the bed. Jens wondered if Lucas had done all that cleaning.

Lucas frowned slightly before sitting up straighter. “Okay.”

Taking a breath, Jens paused for a second. He had to say this right. He would only get one shot.

“Lately, I’ve been thinking,” he started slowly, watching Lucas. Lucas mostly seemed confused. “About you. And me. And you and me. The thing is, I think I like you.”

It was a weird thing to say, and the words seemed to echo even with the music coming from the laptop.

“You think you like me,” Lucas repeated after a minute, frowning, and Jens grimaced.

“Fuck,” he said, shoving his hair back. It was the nerves, jumbling up all his thoughts and words, as if he couldn’t explain anything properly. This was supposed to be more romantic than Lucas sitting on his mattress, surrounded by textbooks, Jens standing awkwardly at the end. “I kissed you the other day, and you kissed me back.” As he watched, Lucas dropped his gaze, cheeks going red, and Jens could only stare. “You _do_ remember.”

Lucas reached for the back of his neck, squeezing tightly as he didn’t meet Jens’ gaze. “Of course I remember.”

Jens didn’t know what to say. “Were you just going to pretend it didn’t happen forever?”

Lucas looked up finally, sighing. “You were drunk. We were both drunk.”

Frowning, Jens stood there for a minute, trying to wrap his brain around what that meant. It was like wading through molasses.

“I don’t get why that matters,” he said finally. “I’d kiss you when I’m sober.”

Moving finally, Jens sat down carefully on the bed, meeting Lucas’ reluctant gaze. Was this Lucas’ way of rejecting him?

“I know we live together,” he said slowly. “And I know it’s a bad idea to date your flatmates, but if I’d realized this a few months ago, we wouldn’t even be here.”

“Where would we be?” 

Jens shrugged as he watched Lucas. Lucas’ brow was creased with doubt, unsure.

“Maybe we’d be making out right now,” he said, only half a joke. “I probably wouldn’t be humiliating myself by admitting that I want you, and you probably wouldn’t be frowning like you’re about to tell me you don’t feel the same.”

Sander had been wrong. It did hurt. It hurt a fucking lot as Lucas hesitated and Jens’ heart contracted, tight and painful. Shit, he should never have said anything.

“Okay,” Lucas said at length, and Jens had no idea what that meant. He could feel his own heartbeat in his throat, a rabbiting pulse.

“Okay?”

It was a surprise when Lucas smiled, dropping the hand from his neck to his lap.

“I kind of like where we are,” he said finally, and Jens frowned.

“Where are we?”

“When you first moved in,” Lucas said slowly, playing with his fingers before meeting Jens’ gaze, “I thought here’s this cool guy who who goes with the flow, won’t push too hard when shit comes up, will be a decent guy to live with.” He paused, taking a breath, and Jens felt like his chest was about to explode from the uncertainty. “I liked you then. I liked you from the moment we met, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. When you kissed me the other day, I thought you didn’t mean it, that you were drunk. We were both wasted, and I thought you’d regret it so I pretended not to remember. I didn’t want to fuck up our friendship.”

Lucas liked him. He liked him.

“So where are we?” Jens asked again, scooting closer on the bed, unable to stop his smile as Lucas ducked his head.

“We’re about to make out on my bed,” Lucas replied finally, looking up.

Jens wasn’t thinking about the whole flatmate problem, or that this might completely ruin their friendship as he leaned forward and kissed Lucas.

They weren’t drunk this time, and Jens smiled as Lucas kissed him back, reached for his neck. They’d have plenty of time to figure out how to do this, to figure out what they were doing at all. In the meantime, Jens was going to kiss Lucas as much as he wanted.

“It’s the yoga’s fault,” he murmured when Lucas broke the kiss and gazed at Jens up close, thumb smoothing over his jaw.

“Oh yeah?” Lucas asked, and Jens nodded, kissing him again, deeper, lingering, soaking in the taste of Lucas’ lips. He could do this forever.

“I can’t wait to see how flexible you really are,” he said, and Lucas laughed, biting his bottom lip.

“One step at a time,” he said, and Jens nodded. He was okay with that.

As their lips met again, Kes’ voice rang through the apartment.

“Jesus, it’s clean in here,” he said, voice getting closer, and Jens pulled back a second before Kes appeared in the doorway. He took one look between Lucas’ reddened cheeks and Jens sitting far too close on the mattress, hand on Lucas’ knee, before shaking his head. “I’m happy for you both, but please remember, very thin walls.”

Lucas groaned as he buried his face in Jens’ shoulder. Jens laughed as Kes turned from the door. Maybe this wouldn’t be as hard as he’d supposed. Maybe he was an idiot for waiting so long.

Jens didn’t know the answer, but it wasn’t important right now, not with Lucas smiling at him across the bed. The only thing that mattered now was making up for lost time, and Jens had every intention of doing just that.

*

FIN.

**Author's Note:**

> Let's just ignore the fact that I still can't draw people consistently.


End file.
